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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

The 7 Most F***ed Up Real 'Choose Your Own Adventure' Books ( 6/8 ).


#3. Trouble on Planet Earth Is Like Two Dozen Wildly Different Books in One

Bantam Books
This book opens with the entirety of the world's oil disappearing, which the CIA addresses bywaiting for two kids who've Scooby'd a few mysteries to show up and take care of the situation for them. One of those kids is you, and the other is your brother, Ned, who is psychic because "he can feel the knowledge." Yes, that is the only explanation you will ever get.
It turns out the solution to the mystery is depressingly simple: Terrorists stole every last drop of the world's oil and stashed it in some empty tanks they had lying around.
Bantam Books
Now Shell and BP can charge exorbitantly high gas prices because they want to,
not because they have to.
Dang. You got the good ending on the first try, and it kind of sucks. Welp, time to flip back and explore all the wacky deaths ...
Only once you start taking the other paths do you realize that with each one the very premise of the story changes completely. Now the terrorists are only making it seem like there's no oil by messing with dial readings at every oil field on the planet. Or the Earth is sick and the missing oil is really just a symptom, indicating that the planet is about to projectile puke us all out into the cosmos.
Bantam Books
Man, Carnival is going to suck this year.
Or the oil is being stolen by egg-shaped orange and red creatures with laser straws. Or the alien Zermacroyd takes you to Space Court where you lose the case and learn that Earth's oil will be redistributed to needier planets, because races who've mastered interstellar travel still rely on fossil fuels.
An Eastern European nation accepted one barrel too many of nuclear waste and the radiation ate through to the Earth's core. Or maybe your brother can solve the oil crisis by buying a small magic box that steals oil from the past and streams it into the deserts of Saudi Arabia.
Every one of those increasingly psychotic endings is really in the book, leading us to believe that either they crowdsourced the ghostwriting for this CYOA and blindly mashed all the results together, or R.A. Montgomery is really the pen name of Blacktooth Rick, the crazy hobo that lives in a newspaper house down by the Taco Depot.

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